Writings of J.A.M.

Leaving is such a strong word, it can have so many different meanings like gone for today gone for the night, gone for the rest of your dog gone life, is it ..... if you have caught on to what I was referring too, then good job you like country, as to what leaving truly means, it depends on the person thinkinh about it, for me leaving is about death I do think about it all the time but I try not to worry about it, if I worry about it then I start to freak out which is not a good thing, my grandma passed away, 3 years ago I believe although it still feels like it happened this year, she was only a couple days away from her 50th anv. with my grandpa, I think about it now and I still can't get the emotions out that I want, it is hard for me to express these feeelings for some unkonown reason, I hate that I can't express them, but to be honest I was not that close to my grandma, I mean I loved her and all that but I never really spent a lot of time with her, I regret it somewhat now, the last memory I have of my grandma is staying in the house while my parents were outside helping with my grandpa's garage, I went over to see if my grandma was okay, and she flipped, she started asking who I was, how I got in the hjouse, and starting calling for my grandpa, she thought I was a girl, I think i did have long hair back then so it was a simple mistake, but I look back on it now and I laugh it was a moment of complete sorrow knowing that that would be my last memory of my grandma but still I look back laughing, it was a good memoryl, I know she still knew who I was, it was the cancer getting the best of her, OI didnt blame her, I blamed the cancer, something that i couldnt control, but that was ok with me, if i cant control it, why worry or complain? I like to think I live by that, but sometimes life just gets the better of me.